Can Joy and Pain Walk Together?
A few weeks ago, while driving, I realized I’d been feeling deeply sad. I couldn’t connect with joy, and that scared me. Jesus, help me find my joy again.
I’ve been processing a lot of past pain and trauma in therapy. The weight of all our family has walked through—all the losses we’ve sustained—sometimes feels so heavy. I also just finished homeschooling our kids, and next year, they’ll all be in public school. And alongside that, I recently realized it’s time to close the door on my editing business, at least for a time.
That’s a lot of letting go, and even though it’s what I want and how I believe God is leading me, it has also felt much harder than I expected. I’ve been editing and ghostwriting for nearly 18 years, and I’ve been homeschooling for the last four. These are comfortable spaces, roles I’ve been successful in and feel good at. Now, in a sense, I’m starting over. While I celebrate the change, I also grieve it. Here I am, staring “what now?” in the face and trying to reorient my direction. If you’ve faced a mid-life career change, you know this is an uncomfortable space. I don’t have clarity about what exactly comes next, just about what is at an end.
And in the middle of that grief and discomfort—the liminal space of the unknown—I’d lost my joy. Yet I knew joy was exactly what I needed. Joy would get me through.
When the Israelites faced pain—the pain of realizing how deeply they’d failed in their relationship with God—Nehemiah told them that the joy of the Lord would be their strength (see Neh. 8:10). Somehow, joy—the very thing we so often lose in the midst of grief—is actually essential to overcoming in the midst of pain. The question is, how do we access joy when life feels so painful? Can joy and pain really walk together?
In Jesus’ final discourse with his disciples before his crucifixion, he twice mentions the possibility of complete or full joy (see John 15:10-12; 16:24). Not just partial joy, but complete joy. To me, this indicates a pervasive joy that fills every room of our lives, a joy that can’t be shaken. The disciples didn’t know it, but their lives and what they thought they knew about the kingdom were about to be turned upside down. Everything was changing—and it was a glorious change—but they would also face great hardship and loss. Knowing that, Jesus told them their joy could be complete if they remained in his love and boldly asked for what they needed.
As I sat with these two ideas—remaining in his love and asking for what I need—I asked Jesus what that looks like. How can I practically implement it? Because I want that complete joy he talks about, no matter how painful or liminal a space I’m in. Here’s what I believe he showed me.
1. Recognize that joy is supernatural. Because it is supernatural, it is not restricted by human circumstances. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit (see Gal. 5:22). Only God can release joy in our lives. In his presence, abundant joy exists (see Ps. 16:11).
2. Ask for God’s joy. So often we think we are responsible to create joy in our lives, but if joy is supernatural, we cannot create it. Complete joy comes only from him (see John 15:11). Instead, our job is simply to ask. “Until now you have asked for nothing in my name. Ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete” (John 16:24). Jesus says we should ask him to fill us with his joy. That is how our joy becomes complete.
3. Refuse to seek after substitutes. When faced with pain or discomfort, we are often tempted to cope by turning to behaviors that will numb that pain. We watch more TV, go shopping, eat comfort foods, go to the gym, or engage in addictions that may temporarily ease the pain but ultimately leave us empty. Numbness and joy don’t live together. We must refuse to look to temporal or material things to give us the joy only God gives. The kingdom of God is not in eating and drinking or binging Netflix, but in righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit (see Rom. 14:17). Only God has what we need.
4. Make declarations of joy over your life. God has already provided joy, but we must align our hearts and minds with him in order to experience that joy. One of the best ways to do this is to study verses on joy and turn them into declarations over our lives. For example, “The God of hope fills me with all joy and peace” (see Rom. 15:13), and “In Jesus, I rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy” (see 1 Pet. 1:8).
5. Thank God for the good work he is doing in you. Thank him for the ways he will use painful circumstances to grow you up in him. Difficulty and pain are part of the human experience—not because God causes it, but because we live in a world that is not yet fully submitted to his lordship. In light of this, James tells us to “count it all joy” when we face trials because of the way God uses them to produce good fruit in our lives (see James 1:2-4).
Holding joy and pain in tension isn’t easy, but it is possible. Too often, our experience of one excludes the other. Jesus offers us a better way, because his joy is big enough to co-exist with pain, to become our strength in the midst of grief, to be the grace that pulls us through.
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